Pick a Name, Any Name.

I will be 18 weeks this week and finally in the swing of my second trimester. Energy is pretty good, I must say, and the puking is fairly random. It's still more than I would like, but I am a lot more pleasant to be around these days. My belly is growing, and according to my last sonogram, this little guy is in the 96th percentile so far. Hopefully, he won't stay that big! Apparently, there are a lot of variations during this time. So far he looks very healthy and everything is normal. Praise God.

 Sadly, I'm ready to be done with this school year. As much as my energy is better, I still just need more rest than I am getting. Testing and evaluations are over, and I am excited to have some good times with the kids. They are pretty wild right now, so each day is a mixed bag. If I had my normal energy level, I am sure I would enjoy it more. The kids are excited about the baby and have questions daily about his progress. It's pretty cute. I put a name jar out in my classroom, and here were some of the stranger 5th grade suggestions:

1. Luke Skywalker
2. Peeta (MULTIPLE entries)
3. Dark Helmet (for you Spaceballs fans)
4. Link
5. __insert their name__ Junior. (they seem a little confused on how the junior thing works)

Funny, a lot of the girls had suggestions with the name of the boy they currently have a crush on. So, I saw a lot of 5th grade boys' names. ha! One boy is convinced that Peter is the best name EVER and brings it up to me weekly. In any event, they are all pretty sweet and supportive. Many of them are constantly asking me if they can move something or pick up something for me. A little girl dropped her papers the other morning, and I bent down to help her pick them up. She came by later and asked if I hurt myself by helping her. It does help to have those moments balance out the ones where they are swinging from the rafters.

We've chose his name, by the way. And it's not any on the above list. :)

I am so blessed to have this boy, and I can't wait to meet him.

Long Time, No Blog.

I can't believe it's been since September that I have blogged. Well, actually, I can because my life has done a 180 since then. It's the very times that I need to vent, i.e. blog, that I just don't have time. Bringing us to yesterday, when I realized that this is really the only place I can go to talk, release and people have the choice of whether they want to hear it or not. Everybody wins, no?

Because I am married now and officially have a peanut on the way, I am taking ideas for a new blog name. The old one just doesn't fit this new life anymore.

This whole marriage thing is teaching me a lot about myself. Unfortunately, myself has been taken over by an alien and currently I am a pod for another life form. Because of that, clarity and control are often fleeting. So, the lessons come in, and I am doing my best to learn from them. Truth be told- I am broken, and the Lord is the only one who can help me operate in any way. I knew this before, but I would forget often reaching for my own strength. Teaching elementary school, raising a 13 year old boy, being pregnant and a newlywed is probably the most humbling experience of my life. I have absolutely nothing to give in my own strength right now, yet I have so many people needing something from me at any given time.

I am tired all of the time. And when I say tired, I don't mean tired. I mean the kind of tired one feels after a full day of snow skiing. And that's when I wake up in the morning after a full night's sleep. My morning sickness has been round the clock up until about a week or so ago. Now, the queasiness is intermittent and all of the vomiting seems to be behind me. I have to take well over a dozen pills (supplements) which don't help my tummy. And I am so hungry... like hungry hippo hungry. Who knew someone could think about food this much?! I am ravenous. My body acts like I don't feed it. These days, I approach food like Cookie Monster approaches cookies. I have to be mindful to not look like a caveman when consuming a meal.

But honestly, the worst part is the emotional roller coaster I am on. Sad, angry, agitated, happy, calm, annoyed again... ah! God has been so good to me by refining me to a place of relative steadiness over the last several years. And right now, steadiness is a long lost friend. Oh, steadiness, I can't wait to see you- I miss you so. And so do all the people who love me.

With all of that said, these are all blessings and gifts that God has given to me. The thing I have to cling to and not forget is that God not only gives the gifts, but He also gives us the strength, tools and wisdom to handle and care for these gifts in a way that is loving and good. The gifts are ours to take care of and find joy in but not own. And I do know that one of his great gifts to me and his help to me is my community. Community, I do need you now more than ever.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." Hebrews 10:23-25

Cake isn't always just cake.

When I was a little girl, my mom had a cake business called "Kathy's Cakes". I remember her spending hours in the kitchen stressing over the details of making these amazing creations for someone's special day.. a wedding, a birthday, a retirement. She was amazing at it! She eventually quit the cake business, but she still shared her talents for free for her loved ones and made some pretty incredible cakes for us over the years. When Jake was 3, he was obsessed with trucks. She actually made him a 3 dimensional big rig with his photo in the driver's seat for his birthday.

Not having her here for my wedding has really hit me hard the last several days. Lots of tears. There's no getting around it, it sucks to not have your mom at your wedding. It sucks to not have her as a touch point as I navigate planning not only a wedding but entering into a new life with someone else.

In the details of planning, of course, the business of the wedding cake came up. People want to charge an exorbitant amount of money for a wedding cake. Of course, I know I would never have had to worry about that if my mom were here. She would've shed blood and tears to make a beautiful wedding cake just because she loved me. Just another reminder and detail that points to her absence.

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine started her own cake business called "Kathi's Cakes". I remember talking with her about my mom's identical business with the same name. Kathi has known me for a long time. She knew me before and after my mother's death. I spoke with her this weekend about the possibility of making my cake. I prayed and hoped that she would give me a good deal. And she did.. Kathi's Cakes is making my wedding cake as a gift. Just because she loves me.

So, maybe going forward, I can look for sign posts that don't mark her absence but for sign posts that remind me that she will always be with me.. because He is with me. He's in the details of my life. He is faithful, He is tender and He sees me.

Happy Birthday...

Joshua! You have been such a blessing to me, and I am thankful God has brought you into my life. I'm also thankful that our age gap is smaller for the next several months. ha!

Puppy Love.

Jake's middle school dating rant on the way home from school today (real air quotes were used often):

"I think they should call middle school dating, "using", at my age. Because all anyone is really doing is saying they are "dating" someone to gain some kind of social status. There's no real intimacy. What's the point? Even if someone kind of likes someone, it's based on looks.. they don't actually get to know each other. You get nothing out of it- you don't have intimate conversations where you actually have emotions involved. What's so great about saying, 'Oh, hey, I like your hair today,' and then moving on to 3rd period? Real relationships have intimacy where you have real conversations like, 'Hey, my mom and dad aren't doing so well right now..' You get what I'm saying. I tell my friends that there is no point in dating at our age. Until you can pick up a girl, on your own, and take her out on a real date, you're not dating. For now, be friends like in class 'n stuff. You get to know a girl way better if you just have normal conversations with her than labeling yourself "dating". As soon as people start "dating", they barely even talk to each other. These "relationships" last a day or a week. By the time I get in high school, I don't want to have gone through "dating" a bunch of girls just say I've dated. It's so dumb. What's wrong with liking a girl from a far and getting to know her as a friend? And wait until you're older to do it the right way? I don't get it. But, I do find it GREATLY amusing to watch all of these people act like they are in relationships."

I hope I remembered it all. I came right in to write it down- This kid cracks me up.

Mama's Day.

Mother's Day brings up a lot of emotions for me. Mine is with Jesus, and I miss her terribly. I'm sick, which of course, make me even more emotional because who doesn't want her mommy when she is sick and exhausted? Anyway...even in the missing, I find peace- I find joy- because I am truly grateful for my mom. I can still appreciate her, her influence on me through her life and in her death, her great love for my boy and me knowing that she's always near with the legacy she left behind. Mostly, though, I find rest in trusting God's promises.

The other side of Mother's Day is that I am a mama myself. Workin' on our 13th year together, this boy and me. He has been the greatest joy of my life. This morning, for the first time in our relationship, he presented me with a gift that he initiated without any outside adult influence and paid for with his own money. I told him that his sacrifice and thoughtfulness was the best gift he could have given me, and it warmed my heart like nothing else. He said that, "it warming your heart like that warms my heart too".

Lastly, I am left with a tremendous appreciation for all the women in my life who love me in a way a mother loves. I have amazing grandmothers, aunts, sisters and girlfriends who God loves and cares for me (and the boy) through each and every day.



Gram Tague, me, Mom, Adam and Jason.



Grandma Barbara with Jake.

You are More.

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

by: 10th Avenue North